Tuesday, July 9, 2013

#PitchMAS Twitter Pitch HELP (Another honing workshop)




The blog pitches have been submitted, the window has closed, and Tamara and I are busy selecting our TOP 50 pitches! 
*When we finally come to an agreement--easier said than done--these TOP 50 will be posted on the  #PitchMAS blog!) 

There have been some AMAZING pitches! But, if you don't make it to the TOP 50, and even if you do, this is only the FIRST half of #PitchMAS in JULY! 

On Friday, 7/12/13, we will begin our Twitter pitch party! ANYONE can participate! It doesn't matter if you've made our TOP 50 blog pitches (or not), or even if you submitted a blog pitch (or not). We urge EVERYONE to participate in the Twitter pitch party as well because we've been known to attract a few ninja agents and editors in the past! 
*The ONLY stipulation is that your pitch must be for a completed manuscript only. Also, please keep your Twitter pitching to no more than two times per hour, per manuscript.

I'm assuming you participated in our awesome pitch-honing workshop HERE, and received a ton of feedback from our experts and your fellow participants. You did do that, right? RIGHT?

BUT, I know that we can still question ourselves like crazy--we're writers, duh--so if you'd like a bit more help/feedback on your 140-character or less TWITTER PITCH, I'm opening my personal blog for this purpose. 

Twitter pitches MUST include the hashtag, #PitchMAS, or agents/editors won't see the tweet. 

Please post your pitch in the comments below! 





(PS. You may never actually ADORE your Twitter pitch, but we do want you to at least like it. A little.)

247 comments:

  1. 13yo Luke's cell phone can grant wishes, but thanks to autocorrect, even the simplest wish can have catastrophic consequences. MG #pitchmas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like this premise. Saying "grants" instead of "can grant" would save characters. Also, I took pause at "thanks to autocorrect" because the character isn't actually thankful for the autocorrect results, right? The implied sarcasm might get lost in this few words. What about something like "beware of autocorrect" or "watch out for autocorrect." Good LUCK!

      Delete
    2. I agree with Jasmine. grants wishes is better.

      Delete
    3. As I said before, LOVE THE CONCEPT! Also, agree with the feedback here. Tweaking it to sound a bit better to my ears:

      13yo Luke's cell phone grants wishes, but beware of autocorrect. Even the simplest wish can be catastrophic.

      Delete
    4. I love Jenzie's idea. Just don't forget the hashtag.

      13yo Luke's cell phone grants wishes, but beware of autocorrect. Even the simplest wish can be catastrophic. #PitchMAS

      Delete
    5. what about something like:

      13yo Luke's cell phone grants witches, sorry wishes, watch out for autocorrect, even the simplest wish can be catastrophic #PitchMAS

      Delete
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  3. I've been toying with these three.

    Abandoned in a foreign castle & condemned as the next Dragon Maiden, Lorelei finds love & faces death to discover her destiny. YA #pitchMAS

    With the Dragon Maiden ruby on her like a noose, abandoned Lorelei finds loves & faces death to discover her true destiny. YA #pitchMAS

    Abandoned in a foreign castle, Lorelei faces the truth: Dragon Maidens do not survive. But her destiny is not what they think. YA #pitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the third one but leave out the abandoned in a foreign castle part. 17yo Lorelei (or however how old she is) a condemned Dragon Maiden escapes by....or something similar. What is her destiny?

      Delete
    2. I like the third one best. It's the most specific, but I still think I'd add a few more details to avoid sounding generic. Without knowing what her perceived destiny is, the line "But her destiny is not what they think" doesn't really mean anything to us. Rather than stating that her destiny is different, maybe simply state what that destiny is: the reader will assume it's special. Good luck!

      Delete
    3. Thanks for your thoughts. I fear simply stating her destiny would give away the ending. I was going for mysterious, unfortunately, I hit vauge.

      Perhaps something like this:
      Abandoned in a foreign castle, Lorelei knows the truth: Dragon Maidens do not survive. She must face death or risk her Realm. YA #pitchMAS

      Delete
    4. I think the first one gives the most complete picture to someone (like me) who doesn't know your story at all. I might add a choice in there, like...

      Abandoned and condemned as the next Dragon Maiden, Lorelei must fight to change her destiny or die trying.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    5. I like Jenzie's! (That's the second time I've said this. We may have a new pitch expert for December's contest!)

      Abandoned and condemned as the next Dragon Maiden, Lorelei must fight to change her destiny or die trying. #PitchMAS

      Delete
    6. Also, you have room to throw in a genre tag like YA, NA, etc.

      Delete
    7. Glad to help! The tiny pitches are the most fun, it's like a word puzzle squeezing everything in! :)

      Delete
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    9. Oh, I love it.

      Abandoned and condemned as the next Dragon Maiden, Lorelei must fight to change her destiny or die trying. YA #pitchmas

      It still has ample room for more characters. Should I try to fill it out or leave it short and sweet?

      Delete
    10. Like Maquila said, short and sweet - I love it too.

      Whenever possible, as with make-up, less is more!

      & I agree Jenzie's great at this!

      Delete
    11. OK. One more time (with feeling).

      Abandoned & condemned as the next Dragon Maiden, Lorelei & her allies must fight to change her destiny or die trying. YA #pitchMAS

      Delete
    12. I'm a fan with or without & her allies but I see the benefit of adding allies -- either way (for me) its a winner.

      Delete
    13. I think without the allies is better, the allies don't add to the plot. If you want to add something, add a unique consequence of failing besides death! Great work! :)

      Delete
  4. Captain Maggie MacIntyre’s mutinous crew force her to take relfuge with smugglers who plan to collect the bounty on her head.#PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd read this in a heartbeat. Good luck!

      Delete
    2. Sounds cool! Try to stick in the genre, and correct the spelling of refuge. Good luck!

      Delete
    3. I like this too and even though its a mouthful, its a 'fun' mouthful.

      Reading this I think of hidden Caribbean caves and shark infested waters & I feel like I'm 13 again ready to read an adventure story full of mouthwatering tongue twisters and canon fire!

      If it gets published I have 1/2 dozen nephews who'd love this!

      Delete
    4. Oooh, ooh, Space Opera makes this MUCH MORE interesting! Work that into the pitch.

      Delete
    5. Damn! yes add Space Opera if you can at all.

      Now I'm seeing Space Pirates -- it just gets better!

      Delete
  5. 24yo Marica thinks herself, well, ordinary. But discovering 2 journals changes everything, including her identity. Lies hurt but the truth is killing her #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 24yo Marcia thinks of herself as ordinary. Reading two journals (why two?)she discovers the truth about her identity. And it's killing her.

      Or something similar. It may be over 35 words now.

      Delete
    2. I want another detail or two about the truth she discovers so I can become invested in your story. Good luck!

      Delete
    3. Thanks guys!
      Really helps to look at what to focus on in 140 characters :)

      Delete
  6. Could use some help on this one:

    16yo Natalie is too busy for a pixie refugee and her magical war. But when nearly blown up, college takes a backburner. #YALit #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The first line of this is really good. I'm just pondering the second one. College taking the back burner doesn't really seem like very high stakes, especially if she's nearly blown up. Is there any other outcome from this bombing?

      Delete
    2. I really like the first line but like Heather said, the second one doesn't work as well. Also, is the college or Natalie blown up?

      I think that "But when nearly blown up..." starts off well but I also think you need to focus on what the outcome or stakes are after the bombing.

      Delete
    3. Thanks for the input. Natalie and her boyfriend are nearly blown up (his car is) and she realizes it's war now, not just keeping the pixie hidden while she juggles school, work, dating, depressed dad, dead mom, etc etc. I'll think on it for a few here...

      Delete
    4. Try this on for size:

      16yo Natalie is too busy for a pixie refugee & her magical war. But harboring pixies means death unless she fights back. #YALit #PitchMAS

      Delete
    5. When a magical war breaks out around 16yo Natalie, the LAST thing she should do is harbor refugee pixies in her room. Oops. #PitchMAS

      Delete
    6. I love Jessa's version.

      There is nothing better than a bit of humour, even when talking about war and blowing up.

      Delete
    7. I love your version Jessa!! A fresh set of eyes works magic on these tweets! Thank you :)

      Delete
  7. 17yo Jenna Rose must take on a patriarchal system, learn to master her powers, and stop her crazy dad before she goes loopy too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really like "...learn to master her powers, and stop her crazy dad before she goes loopy too.." but the bit about patriarchal system does sound like the same voice/flow as SHE GOES LOOPY TOO

      If it was me I'd cut to "17yo Jenna Rose must learn to master her powers, and stop her crazy dad before she goes loopy too" & then add more info.
      I really like the voice in this bit (I'd read this)

      Delete
    2. Thanks Nikola! How about, "17yo Jenna Rose must take on a scary new life, learn to master her powers, and stop her crazy dad before she goes loopy too"?

      Delete
    3. I like this much better but, after reading it 3 times, one thing stopped me -- WHY MUST SHE TAKE ON THIS NEW LIFE?

      I'm not sure how to change it because I can see why you added MUST, so that there's stakes, but with only 140 characters including #PitchMas its really hard to show stakes & answer questions.

      But even with #PitchMas added you still have 30-odd characters so maybe there's a way to add stakes without the word MUST?
      I still like the sound of this though!

      Delete
    4. I gave it a little flip-flop to give you a fresh idea. Good luck!

      17yo Jenna Rose can’t stay sane with her crazy dad and a patriarchal society. She must master her powers or go loopy trying. #PitchMAS

      Delete
    5. Here's another one to play with. Sometimes it helps to see the words flipped around by someone else.

      17yo Jenna must beat a patriarchal system, master her powers (or, um, try to), and stop her crazy dad before inheriting the crazy. #PitchMAS

      Delete
    6. I think Nikola makes a good point. The "patriarchal bit" changes the voice.

      Delete
    7. OK I'm just going to throw something out there based on Jessa's example (I added the drivers license b/cos I figured all teenagers want that but I'm sure you can add what's relevant within your MS)

      17yo Jenna just managed 2 get her drivers license (after 4 trys) & now shes expected 2 master her new powers & stop her crazy dad before inheriting the crazy. #PitchMAS

      Delete
  8. So after Jenzie's and Kathleen's comments I went back to the drawing board and came up with this:

    Crazy mum aside, Marica is a typical 24yo Aussie, except that she’s just learned she’s as faux as her fur coat & her identity crisis could be a killer #NA #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm getting a better idea now what's going on, but you might be wasting your characters stating she's typical. We don't care, we want to know what happens :) You can probably drop the character's age, and insert her job/other descriptor, since we know she's an adult by the category.

      I'll have a go at it here:

      Marcia's living a lie thought up by her crazy mum. Now it's either run or be killed for the truth. #NA #Pitchmas

      Delete
    2. Here's another go at it:

      Aussie Marica just learned she’s as faux as her fur coat. If her crazy-ass mum doesn't kill her, her identity crisis might! #NA #PitchMAS

      Delete
    3. Thanks so much guys!

      Its really helpful to see what is working -- for anyone willing to take a 3rd look here it is:

      Artist & dreamer Marica is as faux as her fur coat. Surviving her crazy mum; doable, living w/ the truth; NotSoMuch, death-by-identity-crisis any1? #NA #PitchMas

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete
  10. 13yo Jessie’s camera can take pictures of the future. On the run from feds and a secret society, the crisis continues to develop. MG #pitmas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd tweak the first sentence to be "takes pictures" instead, saves characters and makes it more active. I think "the crisis continues to develop" doesn't add much. I'd nix that and say, "Now she's running from feds and a secret society to stop ______." Not sure what's at stake, so stick it in.

      Fun concept, RAH RAH RAH GO MG! :) Good luck!

      Delete
    2. I agree with Jenzie. You need a more powerful end, like: Jessie must fight to the death OR ALL THESE TERRIBLE THINGS WILL HAPPEN. lol! (But you know what I mean.) We don't know what the crisis is or what happens if it fully develops, etc.

      And since you have the age of the MC stated as 13yo, we know its an MG, so you can save room by either eliminating 13yo from the pitch or eliminating MG from the pitch.

      Also, don't forget that the hashtag is #PitchMAS.

      Delete
    3. I agree with Jenzie & Jessa, the ending lets you down.

      Also, as its a twitter pitch, I'd take out either FEDS or SECRET SOCIETY, you only need one of them to set the scene & you're wasting real estate space.

      Maybe something like:
      13yo Jessie’s camera can take pictures of the future & now the feds want him & his camera – trouble is its hard 2 stay ahead with a 9pm curfew & a 2-wheeler bike #pitmas

      Delete
    4. Also, as Jessa said its #PitchMAS - I did the same thing you did!

      Delete
    5. Hey thanks everyone for the feedback. The "still developing" was just put in their as a joke because it is a magic camera. LOL Thanks for the help.

      Delete
    6. DOH I totally missed the joke! Gotta dumb it down for your readers like me I guess ;)

      Delete
  11. I have two books looking for agents.

    ROGER MANTIS (MG fantasy):

    Roger McGillicutty, 12, wakes up one morning to find he’s turned into a five-foot praying mantis. And with school on Monday, too! MG #pitmad

    ZORYA (YA SF):

    Zorya’s popular and wealthy, with the newest smartphone, the latest clothes, and a fascination with the new boy in class--the human. #pitmad

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh, ZORYA really struck me. Remember for this contest it's #PitchMAS tag though. Wouldn't change a thing!

      With Roger's pitch, well, the premise and fun voice come through but the plot isn't yet. What does he have to do to fix himself? You might nix his last name for this pitch cuz characters are scarce. Give me more hints so I want to read it :)

      Good luck!

      Delete
    2. Dang. PitchMAS is two more characters. Thanks for the heads-up!

      Delete
    3. Don't forget you can use an ampersand in place of the word and, and can do a w/ instead of with. :-)

      Also, if you can find a way to tell us either how old Zorya is, or add YA to the pitch, I would suggest doing so.

      As far as Roger's pitch goes, you can remove his age if you tell us MG (or vice versa), we don't need his last name, and when you say "wakes up" I assume you mean morning (plus, its a bit irrelevant), so you can remove "one morning." That should free up a little room for adding stakes to the pitch. :-)

      Delete
    4. I'll use "shorthand" characters if I have no choice, but I'm old-fashioned and stuffy and they kind of grate on me (IYKWIM).

      Revisions:

      Zorya’s rich and popular, with the best smartphone, latest clothes, and a fascination with the new boy in class--the human. YA SF #pitchMAS

      Roger, 12, wakes up to find he’s turned into a 5-foot praying mantis. Is he a six-legged freak now? Or just maybe a super hero? F #pitchMAS

      (As far as stakes go, as I see it if you turn into a giant bug, dealing with it pretty much IS the stakes. Like with the story lead-in, "one morning I discovered everyone else on the planet was dead.")

      Delete
    5. You can also change AND to &, that'll give you extra.

      And I love them both! Good luck :)

      Delete
  12. 15yo Lily can't read minds like the Interpreters. She can't hide her thoughts like the Blockers. Yet when privileged Blocker teen Sergio is wrongly convicted of murder, Lily is the only one who can save him. #YA #pitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm intrigued. This sounds interesting but I think you might have jumped a bit. You go from how she can't read minds or hide her thoughts, but is the only one who can save him - it doesn't seem as cohesive as it could be.
      Here is Nathan Bransford's blog post about pitches, it might help you smooth things out and polish it up. http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/05/how-to-write-one-sentence-pitch.html

      Delete
  13. Hi Kim,
    I like this but I'd like to know how she can save him?
    Maybe if you remove "privileged" and "Teen" (you say Lily is 15 so I can take the leap that Sergio is a teen also), you'll have enough character's to expand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much. I appreciate the good advice.

      Delete
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  16. The book can tell 16 yo Elliot how the magic works, but not why his parents lied about it, or why they'll kill him to get it back #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Moe,

      is the book called THE BOOK? if so I'd put a capital B for Book to make it a noun. For me the last bit is strong but the first few words aren't as strong. If you can tweak the start it would sound more inciting.

      Delete
    2. * a PROPER Noun - sorry missed a word

      Delete
    3. Thanks Nikola, let's see what I can do about the start. The book isn't actually called the THE BOOK, I just couldn't fit in its name.

      Delete
    4. Elliot's book will teach him how his magic works, but not why his parents lied about it, or why they'll kill him to get it back #PitchMAS YA


      Better?

      Delete
    5. Yes better :)

      And I still love the ending!

      Delete
  17. Paul's predictable life is turned upside down by a disastrous move after his hometown gets turned into a modern ghost town. #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Frank.

      I like the visual of 'modern ghost town' but I kind of don't get how his move was disastrous if he is still living in his hometown?

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. After disastrous move, shy and chubby 16 yr old Paul runs away to discover that his hometown has turned into a modern ghost town. #PitchMAS

      Better?

      Delete
    4. Much better! I get it now.

      I would add an "a" between After & disastrous and change AND to & in order to save characters.
      Also, can Paul be younger than 16?
      Its just that many 16yo are living on their own (boarding schools and even completely on their own) so if he was 13 or 14 he'd be more sympathetic (to me)

      Delete
    5. He could be 15, but 13 is too young for the story.

      Thanks for the advice! I actually caught the missing 'a' soon after I posted, but didn't want to have another deleted comment.

      Thanks again!

      Delete
    6. I think 15 is better -- see what others think :)

      Delete
  18. Coco, an impulsive puppy, loves bones. Watching neighbors tote "bones" to the train, Coco decides he must catch the train. What happens as a chase ensues? Who does he meet? Will Coco find the bones?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Naomi,

      firstly don't forget to add #PitchMAS
      (For me) there's too many questions. Maybe change it a bit to let me know he meets a mouse with a eating disorder (or whatever)...

      Delete
    2. I'm also am having some trouble with the questions at the end. I wish I could be more helpful than that.

      Delete
    3. Thanks for the input. I'll have to work on it some more.

      Delete
  19. Little brother Oppo and big sister Honey are opposites. Their hippo sibling rivalry builds to a climax when Honey grabs, loses, then finds Oppo's kite. Will she give it back? Will Oppo forgive her?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Excellent when read aloud and playacted, Grouchie? Ouchie's thirty-six words highlight part of a toddler's day. Within the story arc, a mother and child's conversation and interaction illustrate their palpable connection.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please don't hate me Naomi but I don't get this.
      I read it 7 times and am struggling. Is this a PB or something else?

      Delete
    2. Yes, I should have said that. It's a pb for 0-3 that would make a great board book. Comp titles are Baby Parade and Two to Cuddle.

      Delete
    3. OK, so tat's why I don't get this.

      I don't have kids and my niece & nephews didn't get interesting until after 3 or 4 years old so I'm the wrong person to give help.

      But don't forget your #PitchMAS at the end.

      Delete
  21. So, while I'm mostly working on my NA - I wrote the first in a PB series called Morana-the-Cat and thought I'd throw a TwitterPitch out there for you'all to give me feedback on:

    Morana dreams of the Purrfect tree – shes an apartment cat you see. But 1st she needs 2 defeat the dragon called Vacuum. Maybe the Shower Fairies can help? PB #PitchMas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. she is or she's, hopefully you have room. Cute premise!

      Delete
    2. Thank Moe,
      so I should leave it as is then?

      Delete
    3. Thanks Jasmine,

      I had She's but was saving on characters, but I just double checked and have an extra so I can put she's back.
      Glad you liked it, any suggestions on changes?

      Delete
    4. Oh Damn! its 140 characters WITH SPACES - back to the drawing board for me!

      Delete
    5. I like it, a lot. I would pick it up to look at for my daughter based on that description.

      Does it need the question mark? "Maybe the shower fairies can help" feels like a statement. You could shorten it by saying "Can the shower fairies help?"

      You could also shorten by changing to " defeat that dragon, Vacuum."

      Good LUCK!

      Delete
    6. Thanks Jasmine.

      I've had friends & family with kids read it (I did illustrations but no one has seen them -- they were for me to get in the mood) & so far everyone loved the story.
      Maybe I should forget adult & stick to kids!

      Delete
  22. Everyone has a doppelganger but Jena, making her powerful both as a weapon and disturbance. She must hide from those who seek her.#PitchMas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OR WHAT HAPPENS?

      I'm not yelling at you, lol, but I want you to see the emphasis on the stakes. You have to include stakes.

      Share a little more details and we'll help you fit it all into a Twitter pitch. :-)

      Delete
    2. A little more *detail, not details. I'm the worst grammar policewoman ever. lol

      Delete
    3. Agree with Jessa.

      The idea of us all having doppelgangers except JENA is interesting but we need a bit more.

      Who is seeking her?
      What disturbance?
      How is not having a doppelganger a weapon?

      I know its impossible to answer all these questions but you've put them into the readers head and have to find a way to answer at least one.

      Also you need a comma after 'doppelganger' and you can save characters but changing AND to the symbol &.

      Delete
    4. Errmmm... I'll try :)(I really suck at pitches)

      Everyone has a doppelganger except Jena. Rebel Dissenters seek her as a weapon to destroy the connection between the two worlds #PitchMas

      Or

      Everyone has a doppelganger except Jena, & when rebel Dissenters attack those she loves she must face them or let her loved ones die #PitchMas

      The last one is two over, but I like it better, and I think bringing up the fact of two worlds would... greatly confuse matters. Without further explanation, at least

      Delete
    5. (for me) the 2nd one is better but then there is no explanation of why having no doppelganger is important.

      I suck as this stuff too, you are not alone.

      Here's what I think (& please feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt). Maybe the doppelganger bit isn't important in the pitch? It's likely vital in the MS but perhaps not so much in 140 characters? And if it is, then that's what you need to concentrate on. Why is NOT having a doppelganger so important/valuable/beneficial?

      I hope this helps.

      Its really rough to bring a 80-100K MS down to a dozen works I know!

      Delete
    6. That's a good point. Thanks for the tips! Back to the drawing board I go... :)

      Delete
  23. I could use another set of eyes.

    Math whiz Autumn is part of a high school forensic team helping the local police investigate kidnappings tied to an online survivalist competition. The case intensifies when Autumn discovers she's the Gamer's real target. #pitchmas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,

      this has 197 characters so you need to cut it back a bit.

      First take out unnecessary words like THE LOCAL and change others to symbols & numbers (eg. to = 2)
      Also the last line is a bit 'dry' 'the Gamer's real (or next?) target is good (I think) but the beginning needs work.

      Delete
    2. Here's an example you can use or play with:

      Whiz kid Autumn & her school's forensic team help feds investigate kidnappings tied to gaming...until Autumn discovers she's next. #PitchMAS

      (It's exactly 140 characters.)

      Delete
    3. Not only is Jessa's 140 characters but its great!

      Go with it :)

      Delete
    4. I reread Ch. 1 of Save the Cat and felt like I was missing the overall punch of the story. Here's Try #2.

      A game maker kidnaps members so they can escape. He targets Autumn, challenging her to unmask him in time to save his next victim. #PitchMAS

      Delete
    5. Hi Susan,

      I kind of don't get the first line. The Game Maker kidnaps people to let them escape and then, does he/she hunt them down again?
      If that's the case I think you'll need to make that clearer and if not, then what?
      Not trying to be too harsh here, I like the second line, but the first is confusing me.
      (PS If I've made what seems like a lot of typos in the last few entries, I have two kitten fighting for attention as I type this!)

      Delete
    6. Thx for the feedback, I'll work on the first line.

      Delete
  24. OK, so now that I've worked out its 140 characters with spaces, & with previous help, here are my two (separate story) pitches with missing comma's to make the 140:

    Morana dreams of the Purrfect tree–shes an apartment cat u c.But 1st she needs the ShowerFairies help 2 defeat the VacuumDragon PB #PitchMas

    4 wks ago Marica learned she’s as faux as her fur coat. If her crazy-ass mum doesn’t kill her, Marica’s identity crisis might! NA #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OK. Ignore the comments I just made on the other post. I like the rhyming lilt of the first line, so I played with trying to rhyme the end. If you hate it, I won't mind.

      Morana dreams of the purrfect tree-she’s an apartment cat U C. But that dragon, Vacuum, needs defeat. ShowerFairy help is sweet.PB #PitchMAS

      Delete
    2. Hey that's kinda cute!

      Any it fits with the story also as each page rhythms in 2/4.

      Thanks!

      Delete
    3. SO it seems people prefer the PB stuff I write -- wonder if that's a sign?
      Anyway, working on the rhyme theory (and being rather liberal with spelling & grammar)here is my revised PB

      Morana dreams of a purrfect tree-shes an apartmnt cat UC & the DragonVacuum she’ll defeat B4 ShowerFairies wash away in retreat PB #PitchMAS


      Delete
  25. #PitchMAS NA Hans is a player, of the piano and the ladies. But a trip back in time changes all that when he meets the girl of his dreams.

    ReplyDelete
  26. #PitchMAS NA 21st century guy falls for a 19th century girl, but when the Time Train brings them to 2013, he doesn’t exist anymore. Yikes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you can mesh the first two attempts, you're on the right track. I like the first half of the first one, and the second half of this one. (But not the "yikes")

      Delete
    2. That's a really cleaver idea Moe.

      not 100% sure of how to do that, but if done right could work well.

      Delete
    3. Thanks Nikola. Smny, I think it might go something like this...(I don't know your actually story, so don't mind me.)

      Hans plays piano, and the ladies, but when a tune sends him back in time, he meets the only girl he can't play...(then something about a choice and not existing in the future?)

      I know that might be tough to do in the small twitter space you're allowed, but it's just a thought on how that might go.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    4. Moe: I love that idea! I'm gonna give it a shot. How about this:

      Hans plays piano; & the ladies. A trip back in time rids him of his studly status as he finds the girl & music of his dreams. #PitchMAS NA

      Delete
    5. Hey there Smny, here are my thoughts:

      It's heading in the right direction, use a comma instead of the semi-colon, which is over-separating the thought. I think you should try using something about the not existing part since it's a good part of your hook. Try something more intense to use instead of ridding him of his studly status. Something that makes a reader say, "hmmm, wonder how that's gonna turn out?"

      Also, if you can somehow connect Hans's trip back in time with his lifestyle, that would serve to enhance the pitch.

      I hope that helps!

      Delete
  27. #PitchMAS NA Hans is in love, for real this time! Can he keep the 19th century girl of his dreams & the 21st century life of a college grad?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! I can't tell you how challenging the whole 140 characters thing was for me!!!

      Delete
  28. #PitchMAS NA The Time Train takes 1 passenger at a time on an exhilarating journey into the future or past. Where will it bring Hans Meyer?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This sounds exciting, but I'm wondering how old is Hans, which would give me an idea of MG vs. YA etc.

      Delete
  29. So my favorite is the 2nd one.

    I've tweaked it a bit to free up a few characters which I filled with my own words but you can replace. (for example I shortened the 2nd century to cent as i figured the reader would get it)

    21st century guy falls 4 19th cent girl.When the Time Train returns them to 2013 he doesn’t exist anymore-no1 told him that bit NA #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cool concept but I think it could be tightened and made to flow much better. New to this pitching thing and unsure of the etiquette, so please forgive if this is overstepping:

      21st cen guy rides Time Train back and falls for 19th cen girl. When they return to 2013 he doesn’t exist anymore. Oops! NA #PitchMAS

      Delete
  30. Here's another try:

    Grouchie Ouchie's 35 wrds highlight a toddlers morng.Mom & childs convo & interaction illus their love. rpb #pitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
  31. And another revision:

    Inspired by a true story,impulsive puppy Coco Mercado's zany adventure begins when he follows his neighbors onto the train. cb6-8 #picthMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like this one! Cute and sweet. So many agents out there want animal/kid books, I think it'll do well.

      Good luck! :)

      Delete
  32. And one more revised pitch:

    Oppo the hippo & bossy big sistr Honey never agree.Sibling rivalry is explrd w/uncommon opposites & lvld vocab in this silly & fnny rpb. #pitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoa, for me it's too much like a text. I need vowels, woman!

      Delete
    2. Here's the gist of what you wrote, but reworded and spelled out. It fits within the character limit:

      Hippo Oppo and his bossy big sis Honey can NEVER agree. Uncommon opposites & vivid vocab explore sibling rivalry in this silly PB. #pitchMAS

      Delete
  33. New landlord = space alien. So are Lego-stealing pet lobsters. 8yo Cal’s quandary: risk intergalactic incident with alien stew?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Any good?

    When a reality show invokes ancient evil in the ruins of Peru, Thomas Breck, a demonologist hired to preserve the holy-place, gets caught in the crossfire. #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Justin,

      You need to save some word/character space - you currently have 165 character's (including spaces - remember Twitter counts spaces)

      Also, tell us a little more of what happens because saying 'gets caught in the crossfire' is somewhat cliche and tells us nothing.

      Remember, in a twitter pitch is may not be important to tell us its Peru, just get to the crux.

      Also, its a good idea to let people know the age group with a simple MG,YA, NA A (or whatever)

      By simply changing Thomas Breck, a demonologist to: demonologist Tom Brech you have saved 5 character spaces

      For example:
      When a reality show invokes ancient evil, demonologist Tom Breck gets (whatever happens /stakes) YA #PitchMAS

      Delete
    2. Thanks, Nikola! I've never pitched on Twitter before. It's harder than I thought it'd be.

      Delete
  35. When Penelope starts a chess club, she attracts a quirky bunch. Things go missing & they investigate. Incl. sarcasm & Skittles.#PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds quiet. Is anything at stake? What's gone missing? Is it important to Penelope & friends? Or is there someone who doesn't want them investigating, but they find out too late? (But I'm impressed with how coherent this pitch is given the limitations!)

      Delete
    2. Thank you! It's freaking hard to put all I want in there! But I'm glad your curiosity is piqued! :D

      Delete
    3. Lol, I like the sarcasm and Skittles thing, but I think you can punch this up. Really go for it. Here's a link that might help - Nathan Bransford always has awesome advice. http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/05/how-to-write-one-sentence-pitch.html

      Delete
  36. With skill that rivals Annie Oakley16yrold Randy,a smitten reformed horse thief& old friend out to get rich cross the west.1884 YA #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kim,

      I would take out "smitten" as you don't explain (have the room to explain) what or who he is smitten with.
      I don't know what & old friend means so maybe get rid of that.

      I also think you can save a lot of characters by changing
      With skill that rivals Annie Oakley16yrold Randy...
      to something like: 16yo Randy,a crack-shoot & hothead (for example) Unless Annie Oakley is important in your MS don't waste the real estate on her. (just my opinion of course others may disagree)

      Once you've given yourself a bit more characters you can give us some details, thing like (for example) why has this 16yo headed off? Is he a gold prospector or a wonna-be hired gun?

      Delete
    2. Thank you. Annie Oakley is important and a character that competes with Randy near the end. So here is my second try:

      In 1884, 16yo Randy can make a fortune with her sure shot that rivals Annie Oakley, that is if outlaws don't kill her first.YA #PitchMas

      Delete
    3. I like this much better, in fact I like this a lot.
      See what others say.

      Delete
  37. First time attempting anything like this. And I thought QLs and 3 pg synopses were hell!

    17yo Christian loves BFF Maye. When she dies in a wreck & her little sis Rowe runs, only he can mend their broken family. 24k wds #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One variation, including genre and a bit of motivation for Christian:

      17yo Christian loves BFF Maye. When she dies & her little sis Rowe runs, he must mend the only family he's ever known. YA 24k wds #PitchMAS

      Delete
    2. Just a thought about the word count: is this a novella? 24k (on average) would be less than 100 pages. If you're pitching as a novel, odds are people will balk at a novel that short.

      Delete
    3. Yep, it's a novella. I asked the organizers about it on Twitter and got the OK to participate. They suggested I include my word count, so that should ward off anyone not interested. I looked over the editors involved...none list minimum word counts, and several are representing epubs that do work with pieces the length of mine :)

      Delete
    4. Also here are all of the variants I've written today. Thoughts are appreciated :)

      17yo Christian loves BFF Maye. When she dies & her little sis Rowe runs, he must mend the only family he's ever known. YA 24k wds #PitchMAS

      Deciding I love my BFF Christian 1 day, dying the next . Now it's on him to fix my broken family b4 he falls apart too. YA 24k wds #PitchMAS

      My big sister Maye is dead. Dad's shipping me away. Fuck this place. Only one person will understand: Maye’s BFF Christian. YA 24k #PitchMAS

      Maye was my BFF, my family, my love, my world. Now she's dead & her 13yo sis is at my door in the middle of the night. WTF. YA 24k #PitchMAS

      Delete
  38. Young Liam lives in what he thinks is an idyllic town until he discovers he is really trapped in fairyland. Truman Show+Potter. MG #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you could take out YOUNG because you have MG and that would be implied but if you want to keep it then change to 12yo for example, saving some character space (& in that case you could probably take out the MG because that's implied)

      Also I get where you are going with Truman Show+Potter but that's a lot of wasted characters. Instead of giving a comparison, use these character spaces to elaborate on your story.

      Delete
  39. 'Get off! Let go! Leave it!' Hears Ragamuffin all day as he scavenges 4 food 2 stil th grumbling dozer crashing in his tummy.PB #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi there,

      I would take out at least two of the three exclamation marks and at least one of the statements so that you have space to give details about your PB.

      Is your MC an object, an animal or a person? Its a PB so lets imagine what the characters look like that way we want to invest in the story.

      Delete
  40. YA SF Man in the Iron Mask. Even though he's an android, Chris fights to replace a corrupt king (his twin) in a medieval future #PitMas

    or reworded

    YA SF Man in the Iron Mask. In a medieval future, Chris must find a way to replace his twin, the king–even though he's an android #PitMas

    or REALLY short & sweet

    YA SF Man in the Iron Mask, where the twin brother is hidden in the past… and an android. #PitMas

    Any thoughts?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Firstly, its #PitchMAS -- remember that as thats 2 extra characters :)

      Others may disagree but I don't think its a good idea to push "Man with the Iron Mask" - especially in the twitter pitch because you don't have the space to explain what is so unique about your story, and for me that fact he's an android isn't enough.
      I'm sure there's heaps more to it in the MS but simply knowing he's an android doesn't hit me as a new re-telling.

      Maybe concentrate on other aspects of your MS to focus on the uniqueness of your re-telling.

      As I say, other may disagree.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for the hashtag correction (oops)!

      I think this is so hard because it's so subjective. When I pitched this at a Writers Conference, the agents all said it was a good way to shorthand it that let them visualize it quickly, but then I've heard others say they wanted more details. Decisions, decisions...

      Anyways, how about this version:

      YA SF-Kidnapped & brought to a medieval-style future, 17yo Chris will lead a rebellion to replace the king…who looks just like him #PitchMAS

      Delete
    3. Hey A.M,

      for me, the second one works, I would want to know more based on this version, but as you say its very subjective.

      But no one could argue that this gives the reader a real sense of the story-line. I now know its the future but looks like something from 12 century and that Chris has a look-a-like.

      Delete
  41. Im Not in NY city. Not on a double decker bus. Not buying a bowl of noodle soup! I’m livin an adventure on a city rubbish heap!PB #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
  42. I could not sleep last night and then this popped into my head and it made me laugh so I figured I should post it as a pitch. I'd love to know what you think.

    13yo, engaged to a girl who drives me nuts (kingdom politics), trying to survive a terrorist attack... #HardOutHereForAPrince MG #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It made me laugh too! I LOVE IT! I suggest having this humorous pitch AND a more traditional pitch. You can rotate them. But, seriously, this hashtag is awesomesauce.

      Delete
    2. I love it too and hum, must remember funny hashtag idea !

      Delete
    3. I'm so happy you guys like it! I have the more traditional pitch, but it's so hard to get 'voice' in there, and I sorta love this one... YAY!

      I have to admit, I'm tempted to stay up all night tonight and just see what else I come up with. Lol!

      Delete
  43. Hi everyone, I could definitely use some of your fabulous help as well. What I have so far ...

    Seraphina must save the rebellion before the fight for survival becomes one-sided & humanity is enslaved to the Phyrics forever NA #PitchMAS

    Humanity's enslaved? Yep. The last rebellions at risk? Uh huh. The world needs a heroine who can kick-ass? Meet Seraphina NA #PitchMAS

    Humanity's on the brink of extinction & it's last hope is a half-breed who has a built-in Death radar. Meet Seraphina NA #PitchMAS

    What do you think?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Stace,

      Of the three I like the 3rd one the best. I kind of want to know more about what a Death Radar is?

      OK, so I'm going to suggest something and remember, please feel free to ignore :)
      I kind of have a problem with the "all the world will go to hell or die or blow up is one kick-ass girl can't save us from ourselves' pitches.

      That's not to say I wouldn't read this or that its not potentially great, but its that this sort of pitch makes it sound like every other kick-ass-girl-saves-world pitch.

      Taking the 3rd option, would it be possible to tweak a little so as not so sound so generic?
      I really like the half-breed who has a built-in Death radar" line.
      Is there any way you could re-word the rest so that the reader understand's why a half-breed can (or wants to/must) save us?
      Also, if this is a re-write of Omega Man /I Am Legend but with a female, again that's OK but find a way to make it sound different.

      Have I confused you yet? Please say NO!
      Its just that you have to remember that agents read submissions every day for a living and they have seen, read, talked, twitttered & FB'd about just about every genre & every story-line within every genre so our job to get their attention by showing why our work stands out.

      Delete
  44. Neiva moves to Alaska where Eskimo legends exist & hot masked men invade her dreams. Either she is going insane or the town has a secret.



    Help!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Tawney, (sorry, I put the original reply in the wrong place)

      firstly don't for get to add #PitchMas also its a good idea to add MG/YA etc. so that the reader knows the age group.

      I'm not sure how other people feel about this but I kinda stopped at Eskimo because you are talking about legends of an indigenous people maybe say Yupik, Inuit or Aleut legends (or maybe that's just me)
      Also I'm not sure what those legends are or how they matter in the story. It might be better to concentrate on the masked men in dreams bit & how that plays out?

      Delete
    2. Do the legends merely exist or are the legends true? I think you can probably go with Alaska or Eskimos since Eskimo are from AK and save some space. Keep working on it.

      And like Nikola said, make room for genre tag and #pitchMAS

      Delete
    3. Thank you! I shall revamp and try again.

      Delete
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  46. Alright, I think I'm ready for tomorrow! But I need help narrowing down my pitches! Feedback, please? Here's my two:

    The town is mysterious & its monster terrifying. Elizabeth is the only who sees his beauty, & only her blood can free him #pitchMAS Adult

    Man by day, beast by night. Elizabeth knows his secret, & her death is all that can free him. #pitchMAS Adult B&tB retelling

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jennie,

      I'm wondering if you could leave out the first bit on V2 and focus more on the second bit. I know its a re-telling but the bit that caught my eye was "Her Death is all that can free him"

      Something like,
      "Elizabeth must die 2 save the man she loves & the beast she protects..."


      Delete
    2. What about this?

      Elizabeth knows Henry’s secret. Now to free the cursed beast she protects, a human sacrifice must be made. #pitchMAS Adult B&tB retelling

      Delete
    3. Yes, much better.

      I would take out NOW TO and start with "2 free" this would allow a few additional characters.
      Also, see what Jessa says but I think you could shorten ADULT to (A) saving more space.

      Delete
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  48. Is there a rule against pitching for more than one novel? I have my pitch above for my adult fantasy (my personal #1 choice), but I also want to pitch for a paranormal women's fiction. Both are completed and polished, just not sure which one would fare better. Help me narrow these three pitches down to one for my paranormal, please! (the last is my personal favorite)

    Sam’s life source-the last of a family he’s guarded for centuries-is in danger. To save her, his immortality will end #pitchMAS paraWF

    Immortality becomes mortal when Sam has 2 save his life source: the last woman in a bloodline he’s guarded for centuries #pitchMAS paraWF

    Sam’s catch 22: to save the person keeping him immortal, he will lose his immortality. & as her guardian, he has no choice. #pitchMAS paraWF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think there's an issue pitching more than one.

      I intend to pitch my NA & my PB :)

      As for above my fav. is V3 but I would remove the last bit about not having a choice. I know what you are getting at but it could come off as "well if he has no choice what's the dilemma & what's at stake?"

      Delete
    2. Okay, here's another variation:

      Sam is the 200yo guardian of Elanor’s bloodline. Now she’s the only 1 left. His catch 22: to save her, he loses immortality #pitchMAS paraWF

      Delete
    3. Liking this much more.

      Maybe add that she's in danger and/or why?

      If you change Sam is the to Sam's the & take out 200yo you should have enough space to add a bit

      Delete
  49. It took 'resting' overnight but I found a way to get to 140 characters for my PB

    2 Versions one part rhyming & one all rhyming

    Morana dreams of a Purrfect tree; she’s an apartment cat UC. But 1st she needs Shower-Fairy’s help 2 defeat the Vacuum-Dragon PB #PitchMas

    Morana dreams of a Purrfect tree; she’s an apartment cat UC. But 1st she needs Shower-Fairy’s help 2 make Vacuum-Dragon yelp PB #PitchMas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jennie,

      its the one I preferred also :)

      Delete
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